It Doesn’t Scare Me So Much Anymore

A few years back I became extremely unwell I will write about that in a later post,but I ended up being transferred to a hospital in London.  That night I woke to monitors alarming and nurses and doctors rushing to my bed, I vaguely remember them crowding around me talking amongst themselves I don’t know if I overheard the words “emergency” or if I was told,but I know it must have been serious because I didn’t care I didn’t even flinch when they changed my trachey all I wanted to do was sleep. I’m aware now how seriously ill I was,that I was extremely lucky on that occasion, if I’d have been at home in my own bed I’m almost certain I wouldn’t be here now.

I have faced death on numerous occasions over the past few years and the truth is it doesn’t scare me so much anymore. On that particular occasion I was very sick for a long time and I didn’t think I was going to get better. Maybe it’s because of that that it doesn’t seem to scare me as much anymore. It’s the parts before that scare me the being  ill itself because that never gets any easier no matter how many times you go through it.

If you’re reading this and you know me or have come from my facebook then unless you’re family  you will not be aware of how many times something like this has happened over the past few years. It’s not something I will have ever written about on facebook,discussed over text or talked about with friends.I don’t post about my illness on social media frequently or write statuses about how rubbish I feel.  The parts of my life I share online up until this moment have been extremely filtered because the parts I’ve never shared would most probably upset you, but I want to share those experiences with you now because they are part of my story . They are the parts of my life that have made me stronger in a way.

Huge parts of my body have been broken by my illness parts you can see on the outside,but more so the parts you can’t see. Major parts of me. It feels like I’m walking on a tightrope with my health on my shoulders every day of my life, just trying to stay upright because I know if it slips even a little I’m in danger of it dragging me down.When I get sick it can escalate quickly, one minute I could be suffering with a cold and within an hour my sats will have dropped and I’ll be in the back of an ambulance struggling to breathe. What you see as nothing more than an annoying sniffle can be life threatening for me.

People often  call me “brave” and “strong” they tell me how amazing  it is that I remain so happy all the time, but that’s not the truth because I’m not always strong or brave or happy. You don’t see the times I cry hysterically because I’m scared, scared because I’m sick again, scared because I don’t know what is going to happen to my body next.

“It’s Okay to cry,crying is a natural response to pain.”

– Baymax  Big Hero 6

I’m posting this because I want you to know that I get scared too. I’m posting this not because I want sympathy,but because I want people to know that that’s okay you don’t have to be strong all the time. It doesn’t make you weak it makes you human.

Daniella x x

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2 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Scare Me So Much Anymore

  1. Ella thankyou for sharing your writing with us it is so honest, emotive and beautifully written. Many people enjoy reading it I am sure! You should be so proud! Keep up the good work 😉😚 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep up with your excellent writing Ella…and thank you for sharing x love yards bunny girl…Ps I always thought you liked the colour purple!😊 xxx

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